what if.

What if you already know the person you’re going to marry.  Maybe it’s a casual acquaintance. Someone you just met. Someone you’ve known forever. Maybe it’s a high school classmate. Or the boy whose notes you used to borrow in your first year? The girl next door? Your best guy friend?

I guess it’s easier to imagine if you’re currently in a relationship, but I’ve never been there so it seems as though there’s a world of possibilities. I always imagine myself going to Europe, meeting some charming gentleman and falling in love. On the other hand, I can also see myself marrying my dentist. If I’ve already met my future spouse then what the hell are they doing? What the hell am I doing?

Of course there's always the chance that you'll never marry. That I'll never marry. I don't think I believe in soul mates, fate maybe, but not soul mates. I certainly hope there's more than one chance for that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff. xx

wake up alone.

I was watching 1 girl 5 gays earlier this evening, and one of the questions was: "I refuse to do _________ alone." One guy answered fold laundry, another answered go to a restaurant. I don't really know what my answer would be. I've always wanted to be independent enough to go to dinner alone. But is that sort of sad, or is it completely wonderful. To be comfortable sitting there alone? It requires such personal contentedness, to just sit there with no one to distract you from yourself. Earlier this summer I went to a movie by myself. Midnight in Paris. It ended up being really fitting actually, as it's about a hopeless romantic, wandering the streets alone, lost in his own mind. It was a night or two after I had gone out and made some really bad choices--the kind of choices that stemmed from feeling alone. In a way I think going to the movie alone was a way of proving I could be okay by myself. I've been home alone for three days now, something I was really looking forward to. Peace, quiet, and tidiness. But the stillness surprised me. I've never had this much time alone with myself. At home, at work, at school, I am constantly surrounded. But just as I've discovered that it is often easier to feel lonely in a crowd, I'm starting to realize there's a difference between being alone, and feeling alone. Having alone time with my thoughts is proving to be quite comforting. I think I'll use the rest of my time in solitary confinement to dance in my underwear, explore a nudist lifestyle, catch up on profane and wildly inappropriate TV series, self-reflect, and perhaps I'll see a movie or two. I don't think I'm ready for dinner alone, but I can certainly work up to it. xx

you smell like someone i used to know.

Everyday I have to sit through a 50 minute class, beside a boy who smells like a boy that I once kissed. The boy I once kissed was no one special. It was only one time. But this boy is constantly resurrecting that night. Speak of the devil. He just walked in right now. Sat down. Right beside me. Don't worry, I dimmed the screen way down, and turned it. I'm so covert. But really. It drives me nuts. It's the weirdest feeling. Sort of like deja vu. It makes your mind start racing. And maybe your heart a little bit too. Most of all it makes it really hard to concentrate. I didn't sign up for that shit! I signed up for... Philosophy of Sex...  Maybe the whole situation is bad news. It's not just smells though. I've been having odd instances of taste deja vu. My first good kiss tasted like beer, and somehow I've come to associate the two with one another. That can't be good. And the other day, I had a lemon square that tasted like someone. But, I'm not sure who. I guess it's a gustatory mystery for the time being. xx

when is it over?

How do you know when it's over? When it's gone? These past few months I have seen a lot of ghosts, and I've been trying to figure out the answer for myself. Once it starts, is it ever gone? Forever? Or is it always a thing, or a thing that used to be a thing? I know you can move on, and get over it, but can you simply get rid of it? Or is everything a forever thing? xx

a missed connection.

You: Tall, clever, handsome (but you don't know it, or maybe you do...a little), smart, spontaneous, passionate, intriguing. You like classic rock, the library, camping, ethnic food, dancing, and coffee.

Me: Wild, charming, independent, funny (at least I like to think so),  romantic, opinionated. I like thunderstorms, airports, fishing off the dock, dancing and coffee.

I've been trying to find you for awhile, if you read this, please contact me. xx

drowning in the maze of a summer.

I went to a friend's cabin this weekend. Good people + good music = a good time. I always forget how much I love the lake, until I'm there, toes in the icy water. Honestly, I could sit on the end of a dock for hours, especially in the dark. Just staring into the abyss. It's a good place for thinking on thoughts. Everything seems simpler. Or maybe it just makes me yearn for simplicity. When I was younger I used to have a crush on a boy at the lake. Every year, as we drove up the road, I was dying to see if their cabin was open. I don't remember why I liked him anymore, but I remember the feeling. It's a good feeling. Like listening to country music, laying in the sand, and fishing off the end of the dock. xx

photo from: http://hopsallymann.wordpress.com/

dear diary.

I have had a diary since I was approximately six years old. My very first diary contains brief summaries of my day, things like what kind of popsicle I had for lunch, what beanie baby I just bought, or what I did at my Grandma's. I wrote in that same diary for a brief stint when I was about 10. Those entries are about sleepovers, and crushes, and glitter. All of the good stuff. Then I moved to my second and favourite diary. It contains everything from ages 13 through 17. The first part is mainly dedicated to my first big crush. I minute little details about things that happened in gym class and on the playground. What he wore that day. A poem (yeah, I'm a freak, but you knew that.) My fascination with him eventually wore out and I moved on to my next crush. And the next. And the next. You get the idea. There's stories from camp, with girls from all over the world and charts of who liked who in the 8th grade. I didn't write very much in high school, a couple of updates when something big happened. When I turned 18 I decided to start fresh with an adult journal. To remember the excitement of my youth, to have something to show my kids. Just kidding, that diary is so not child friendly. I kind of like to think of this blog as an extension of my journal. And so the tradition continues, I write about the one thing my mind always floats back to. Boys.

I took a really long midnight drive tonight, to sort out my thoughts. I don't think I really came to any conclusions. 

Normally I would be posting the chart for this week, but I think I feel the same as last week, so I'll wait for something interesting to happen. In the meanwhile I'll be keeping an eye out for the next big one. xx

a fling. a thing. not a ring.

I think. I think and I think and I think. I make lists. Pro-con, best of, worst of. Charts. Tables. Graphs. Tools to help me analyze. Sort out my thoughts. It helps and it doesn’t help. Sort of like this blog.  I can’t shut my brain off. I just went for a drive, which usually helps. But it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if all twenty-something girls are like this? I’ll admit to being boy crazy, but is it boy crazy…or just plain crazy? Everyone I know is in a relationship. And I happen to love my best friend’s boyfriends, which just makes it harder to secretly hate them. I’ve never been in a relationship. Not even close. There was this one-week dalliance once… but that’s a whole other story. I can't even say I suck at dating, I've never really tried it.  Maybe I should just take the advice from this vintage dating guide, find myself a real good man. 

 I’m a self-admitted serial crusher; I doubt I’ve gone a month in the past 8 years without a slight infatuation with someone. And let me tell you, I’ve had a crush on every kind of boy they make. Jocks, musicians, foreign exchange students, teachers, older, younger, French, English, tall, short. I just can't find one that fits. I think I’m getting better at accepting people for who they are, and not what I want them to be, but there’s still a lot of disappointment. And I sure as hell won't be lowering my standards, I'm not desperate, just a little frustrated.  Everyone says it’ll happen when it happens (fuck you, Lee and Anne Marie)…. but it hasn’t happened. I don’t need Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now. A fling. A thing. Not a ring. I guess I always just thought I’d be the girl who dated a lot before getting serious.  There’s obviously still time for that, but being an optimist gets tiring. What if I end up being the crazy old cat lady? Someone’s gotta do it. Who says it won’t be me? I wish I could just stop thinking about it. But I have no control. Someone please tell me i'm not the only one. xx

P.S. Since you've been so good about enduring my ranting, here is a gratuitous hottie. Happy studying.

I watched It's Complicated with my mom last night and
was reminded of my love for Hunter Parrish. Yum.

twenty one things that aren't fair.

1.     those arms

2.     the behind-the-head stretching of said arms

3.     that you can be such an ass

4.     that height

5.     that you speak a foreign language

6.     that lip ring

7.     that guitar

8.     that beard

9.     that uniform

10. that you can be so genuinely nice

11. that you’re an athlete

12. that you called your dad papito

13. that you like neil young (this is entirely unintentional from my side)

14.  that you can dance

15. that you can’t dance (but you do it anyhow)

16. those glasses

17. that wit

18. that tattoo

19. that smile

20. that accent

21. that look

Any combination of the preceding means I am at no fault for my behavior, it was out of my control. xx

it's back.

Look at what has made it's return, after a very long 2 month hiatus. More exciting than the forthcoming Royal Wedding, the return of the Coconut Mocha Frappuccino, EVEN more exciting than the upcoming arrival of Sephora in Saskatoon!!!! Okay. Maybe not. But still pretty friggin' good. We've got a pretty standard distribution here, no real standouts, but lots of potential. Plummeting interest resulted in a lack of data for February and March, but now that spring is in the air, anything could happen. xx

i see you.

I love to people watch. I’m currently sitting at the top of the arts stairs, pretending to be working on the next biggest psychological concept, but really I’m just watching all of you.

1:56pm …Random kid I once went to Italy with. Why are you wearing sweatpants? Sweatpants should be banned from public places. While I’m on the subject of pants I just want to throw something out there. Leggings are not pants. I don’t care how fantastic your ass is. They’re not pants! So please, do us all the favor of ensuring your top covers your cheeks. Please and thanks.

1:57pm ...Man, I’ve seen the same hottie twice in 20 minutes. I think it’s a sign. His scruff is beautiful. If anyone knows a boy, about 6’2, wearing a toque and blue hoodie, send him my way.  BTW I just had to add hottie to my dictionary on word.

1:59pm…This is the best people watching spot, besides the bowl, which at the moment is actually a lake, and I forgot my canoe at home. I think people are getting suspicious of me, I’m not glancing, I’m just straight up staring.

2:00pm …Have you ever noticed the painting outside the arts buffeteria? It looks like the collective work of a third grade class. Maybe it is. Sorry if it's yours.

2:03pm .. My friends are freaks. One only likes the coconut jelly bellies. Love her anyhow.

2:05pm …Fingers crossed that hottie comes back.

2:07pm …There’s a creeper staring at me. I guess that’s what I get for staring at everyone else.

2:08pm …I need a class change to change up my scenery.

2:11pm …I really wish I didn’t have to go to this psych advising session. They’re just going to tell me how much I sucked this year. Thanks, but I already know.

2:13pm …Fuck roll up the rim. I still haven’t won.

2:14pm …I thought the creeper left, but he has returned. Fantastic. I thought karma was supposed to get you in your next life.

2:15pm … My beard post seems to have caught on. 62.5 percent of the males walking past are sporting facial hair. Apparently everyone grew beards overnight, just like Ryan. That has to be my doing, right?

2:17pm ... Red sweatpants, colossal sin.

2:18pm …Class change. Yes!

2:20pm ... Shit,  I don’t even know where Arts 200 is. I should have figured that out earlier.

2:21pm … When did they start letting 12-year-olds into university? Seriously.

2:22pm … Tall Starbucks guy, I love you. Come back to our store.

2:25pm … Friends ex gets a dirty look. I gotsta support ma peoples.

2:26pm … Wolf whistling at people is hilarious. Seeing who thinks they’ve been whistled at and who refuses to turn around is the best.

2:26pm …Time to go. xx

beards. they grow on you.

I’m helpless when it comes to a man with a beard. I don’t understand what my fascination with them is, or where it came from, but it’s getting out of hand. Swoon. I can’t be the only one here.  A man with a beard makes me weak at the knees. Nothing says man like a beard-- but not all facial hair was made equal.

i. Mustache (and all it’s variations)- Generally amusing, but I have yet to see a moustache that knocks my socks off. There’s potential for another post here.

ii. Soul Patch – Not a good look, it looks like you just missed a spot shaving. What’s the point?!

iii. Chinstrap – Oooh boy. Don’t even know where to start. My favorite is when guys attempt to create some sort of a jaw line by shaving those skinny little chinstraps. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE BUD!

iv. Goatee – I’m not a huge fan, although I have one friend who loves ‘em. They’re a little too groomed for my tastes.

v. Mutton Chops - It takes a special kind of man to rock this style.

vi. Five o’Clock Shadow – Classic sexy, a close second to scruff, at least in my books.

vii. Scruff –Rugged, manly, beard perfection.

viii. Full on beard – While I have seen this beard done well, it’s hard to pull off. And left to grow too long it becomes its own entity.

Am I right, or am I right? xx

*Public Service Warning - beard burn is a common side effect, consider yourself warned*

the behind-the-head arm stretch.

Yes boys I’m looking at you here. I couldn’t find a picture but you all know what I’m talking about. So casual, yet so powerful. Is this a secret weapon that you keep in your arsenal, or are just totally unaware of its power? We’re just sitting there chatting, when all of a sudden, OUT OF NOWHERE, you do it. The lean back, the stretch, the reach, the slight flex of your oh-so-beautiful biceps. STOP IT! It makes me lose my train of thought, in fact it’s very hard to think at all. Seriously, this behavior is uncalled for and must be stopped.

…On second thought, it’s way too sexy to ban that shit. So maybe just save it for special moments, I find losing my panties in public to be very embarrassing.

Thanks for your cooperation in this matter. xx

why can't we have these?!

Yoplait Yogurt.

I just do not understand why we don’t have this yogurt in Canada. It is delicious, it may in fact be the most delicious yogurt I have ever eaten. What did Canada do to deserve this kind of mistreatment? You can buy this yogurt in St. Lucia, even though I’m pretty sure Lucians don’t even eat yogurt!

Fanta.

Fanta! Why why why why. How come we get all of these shitty variations of Fanta, but not the real deal? Every time I see that friggin’ tangerine Fanta, my heart sails, and then falls as I realize I have been duped. Now, it’s not impossible to get Fanta, but I have to go all the way to a random foreign food store in REGINA to get it!

Paprika Pringles.

Paprika Pringles. They are so yum yum in my tum. We get nast chip flavors like onion rings and ketchup (together!), but we can’t have some Paprika Pringles?!?!  If you are ever in Europe it would be greatly appreciated if you could bring some of those bad boys back for me.