twenty one things that ruin it.

1.     White sunglasses. Why the hell do you think those look good? They make you look like a serious douche bag.

2.     Being close-minded. Your unwillingness to try new things is pathetic.

3.     Hair styling products. If I can tell you’re using them, we’ve got a problem.

4.     Pretending you don’t know who I am. I know you remember me, grow up.

5.     Your enormous truck or shiny sports car. Really, I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed for you. And I’ve been led to believe that you simply MUST be overcompensating for something. Small penis. There, I said it. Neener, neener, neener, you have a tiny weiner!

6.     Shirts that are too tight. I’m really hoping that you just suck at doing  laundry, and didn’t actually think that was the right size.

7.     Lack of confidence. I’m flirting with you because I’m attracted to you. Go with it.

8.     Soul patches. They make you look like an enormous tool.

9.     Being a dick. This really goes without saying, but for the sake of women everywhere: STOP BEING A DICK. I know you’re a good guy. Jig’s up.

10. Listening to Nickelback. This also goes without saying.

11. Jeans that are below your ass. This look hasn’t been in since 2005. And it still sucked then. Pull your pants the fuck up!

12. Bad spelling. We live in a world of spell check. Use it.

13. Trash talking other girls. What am I supposed to think you say about me when I’m not there?

14. Pretending to be dumb. There’s nothing sexier than an intelligent man, why are you so committed to the dumbass act?

15. Highlights.

16. Sweatpants. I understand that they are comfortable, but please, not in public.

17. Prissy bitch drink orders. You did not just  order a single, grande, decaf, half-sweet, nonfat, extra hot, no foam, skinny vanilla latte. Fuck right off.

18. Trying to dance up on me without asking first. Chances are I’d love to dance, but grinding your dick into my back is just not the way to go about it.

19. Nonchalance, indifference, i.e. not giving a shit.

20. Trying to get my attention with “Hey, Lady”. Follow this one up with “Can I get a smile?” and you’re done for. If I wanted to smile at you, it would have happened. Fuck.

21. Testicles on your truck. Honest to God, I have no clue why anyone would ever purchase these, the second I see them I just want to punch you in the face.