tall extra hot americano.

Chances are, I've already forced you to listen to my twenty minute rant about coffee orders, what makes them sexy, what makes them repulsive, etc. BUT, if you have yet to hear this rant then you are in luck! I've been a barista for the past 4 years, and in this time I've formed some very strong opinions about what makes a drink order sexy. In fact, a good coffee order can take you from a 7 to a 9 faster than you can say doppio affogato espresso macchiato (...kidding). I know what you're thinking. And you're right, I really don't have anything better to do right now.

 So, starting with the least sexy, working our way up we have...

10. Any crème based Frappucino. Never order these. Please. It's pretty much just milk blended with sugar. Gross. It also makes me suspect you're actually thirteen.

9. Anything that takes you more than five seconds to say. I am dead serious about this. A single, grande, decaf, half sweet, non fat, extra hot, no foam, caramel macchiato makes me want to reach across the bar and punch the person in the face. Don't do it.*

8. Anything that starts with skinny. No skinny vanilla lattes, no skinny mochas, also no light caramel Frappucinos. Come on. Order a real drink. Go hard or go home. It's an immediate turn off.

7. Coffee Frappucinos. Not necessarily unsexy, but definitely not a panty-dropper. I feel like saying Frappucino out loud immediately decreases your cool factor. (I understand this make me perpetually uncool. I'm prepared to accept that.)

6. Latte. Meh. The more shit you add to it, the less sexy it gets. Keep it simple.

5. Espresso. Hardcore. Not for me, but I can see the appeal.

4. Starbucks Double Shot. Not on the menu, but I feel it's the star of the cold beverages. Strong and dark. Not too fussy.

3. Cappucino. Wet or dry. It's sophisticated, and classic. The George Clooney of coffee.

2. Coffee. Hot or iced. Simple, wholesome, comforting. Ordering coffee gets you two thumbs up in my books.

1. Americano. Sexiest drink order EVER. Simplistic perfection. It shows that you know enough about coffee to go with an espresso based beverage, but at the same time you're low maintenance. Ten out of ten.

So there you have it. The ultimate guide to impressing a barista. And by barista, I obviously mean me. Impressing me. xx

*I realize this is a wee bit hypocritical, but to be fair, I make my own coffee.

fake empire.

fake empire. by nmason521 featuring black bangles

all you ever wanted.

Confession. I have an addiction. A serious one. Rom-coms. There, I said it. There's no shame...maybe a little. It's not my fault-- blame my mother. She's the one who let me watch Steel Magnolias at the age of nine. I was raised on Julia Roberts movies. I worshipped her. Don't even get me started on Disney Princesses, that's a whole other post. Now you might be thinking: "What's the problem? I like rom-coms too". Well my friend, I have been thinking about it for awhile now, and there has been some serious revelations. Recently, the surge in the availability of porn has been linked to unreal expectations about sexual relationships. Porn is becoming more extreme in its portrayal of sex, and how people are supposed to have it. It seems to me that romantic comedies are like porn for (some) women.  Romantic comedies are extreme in their portrayal of love, and how its supposed to happen. We grow up believing in order to find true love there will be hoops, hurdles, car chases, and at least one makeover. From personal experience, if a man doesn't chase my taxi down to get my phone number, or send a dozen red roses to my workplace, I start to think he isn't interested. In fact I've been insulted when a guy gave me his number, instead of asking for mine. At some point, it would appear, I was brainwashed into thinking that all men share the chivalrous instincts of my favourite silver screen heros. You might be wondering how that's working out. It's not. I'll never find anyone if I expect some monumental declaration of love in the airport every time I return from a trip abroad. We don't think it's fair for men to compare us to the women in porn, so why do we compare them to the men in these movies? It might be a little late for a New Years Resolution, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to be realistic in my dealings with the other sex this year. I think the results will probably be better than holding out for Richard Gere in a white limo, blasting opera while holding roses out the sunroof. At the very least I won't be a prostitute. xx.

happy valentine's day.

what if.

What if you already know the person you’re going to marry.  Maybe it’s a casual acquaintance. Someone you just met. Someone you’ve known forever. Maybe it’s a high school classmate. Or the boy whose notes you used to borrow in your first year? The girl next door? Your best guy friend?

I guess it’s easier to imagine if you’re currently in a relationship, but I’ve never been there so it seems as though there’s a world of possibilities. I always imagine myself going to Europe, meeting some charming gentleman and falling in love. On the other hand, I can also see myself marrying my dentist. If I’ve already met my future spouse then what the hell are they doing? What the hell am I doing?

Of course there's always the chance that you'll never marry. That I'll never marry. I don't think I believe in soul mates, fate maybe, but not soul mates. I certainly hope there's more than one chance for that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff. xx

thought of the day.

I want to kiss boys all the time. It's just the loveliest way to pass the time. xx

he's totally into it.

waiting in vain.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 
                                                   ― Bob Marley

i want to see you brave and manly.

Check out the rest of these pictures here, I promise it's well worth your time.

an open letter to the mystery hottie at work.

warning: stunt hottie was used

Hi,

Let's get serious here. You're a babe. Your winsome smile made me melt. Swoon, even. I would just like to say THANK YOU, for making my day at least twenty times better. You may be one of the hottest guys I have ever seen, my clothes were nearly off by the time your coffee was ready. A grande Americano no room-- sexiest drink order ever, and let me tell you, coffee orders play a pivotal role in my judgement of your sexiness. You look like a movie star, who somehow stumbled into the wrong city. You're so hot that you must certainly be affected by hot guy syndrome, but in my dreams you're oblivious to your good looks, and you're just a humble gentleman looking for the love of his life. Or at least the lust of his life. I'll give you a hint. IT'S ME. The time we shared was brief (I'd like to see you in yours), but I'm hoping my radiant beauty will draw you back. I'd like to thank Howard for forcing us to ask every customer their name, it's creepy-- yet informative. But my internet creeping skills have failed me, alas you retain your mysterious allure. For now. xx

Here's a present!

wake up alone.

I was watching 1 girl 5 gays earlier this evening, and one of the questions was: "I refuse to do _________ alone." One guy answered fold laundry, another answered go to a restaurant. I don't really know what my answer would be. I've always wanted to be independent enough to go to dinner alone. But is that sort of sad, or is it completely wonderful. To be comfortable sitting there alone? It requires such personal contentedness, to just sit there with no one to distract you from yourself. Earlier this summer I went to a movie by myself. Midnight in Paris. It ended up being really fitting actually, as it's about a hopeless romantic, wandering the streets alone, lost in his own mind. It was a night or two after I had gone out and made some really bad choices--the kind of choices that stemmed from feeling alone. In a way I think going to the movie alone was a way of proving I could be okay by myself. I've been home alone for three days now, something I was really looking forward to. Peace, quiet, and tidiness. But the stillness surprised me. I've never had this much time alone with myself. At home, at work, at school, I am constantly surrounded. But just as I've discovered that it is often easier to feel lonely in a crowd, I'm starting to realize there's a difference between being alone, and feeling alone. Having alone time with my thoughts is proving to be quite comforting. I think I'll use the rest of my time in solitary confinement to dance in my underwear, explore a nudist lifestyle, catch up on profane and wildly inappropriate TV series, self-reflect, and perhaps I'll see a movie or two. I don't think I'm ready for dinner alone, but I can certainly work up to it. xx

dream as if you'll live forever.

live as if you'll die today.

love actually is all around.

Kill, Fuck, Marry time! Here's some pictures to aid in your decision making. But really, if you haven't seen Love Actually it's time to change that.

Hugh Grant

Liam Neeson

Colin Firth

winter song.

'tis the season.

Barf. I'd settle for a cute one night stand.

I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm not sure why, but I'm doing it. You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything since October. I've started a lot of posts, but I can't seem to finish them. They were all full of bad vibes. I really don't want to spread bad vibes. But I figured a ridiculous post about Ryan Gosling could be followed by a more serious post. And to hell with the bad vibes, it's my blog and I can be moody if I want to.

 I always feel lost this time of year. I know I can't be the only one, I'm sure that I've read rates of depression go up during the holiday season. It could be the arrival of the snow. Or midterms. Or holiday stress. Most likely it's a combination of all of the above.   I have difficulty getting out of bed, facing the
-30 degree weather, and pulling on snow boots(yuck). I hate having 10 straights weeks of midterms and projects, with the only reward being finals. I don't even really like Christmas. I hate the mall, the commercialism, the excessive gifting. I hate trying to convey excitement and happiness on my chronic bitch face. And it's not because I'm not genuinely thrilled, but because I have trouble expressing it.

Then there's the general life failures when reuniting with people you haven't seen in a year. Aunts, cousins, high school classmates home for the break. It always goes like this:

Them: "So, what's new, how have you been?"
Me: "Uhhh, nothing really..."
Them: "What are you studying?"
Me: "Psychology"
Them: "So you graduate this year?"
Me: "Nope."
Them: "Next year?"
Me: "Probably not."
Them: "Well then. Got a boyfriend?"
Me: "Nope."
Them: "Oh, well I'm sure they're out there."
Me: "Thanks..."

If Christmas wasn't enough, then we have to make it through New Years. Otherwise known as the most hyped holiday to have ever existed. Thinking about it makes me nauseous. I have never had a good New Years, if you have, then congratulations -- I'm beginning to think they're rare. Sure, Harry and Sally had a great New Years, but think about how many terrible ones they had before they finally smartened up. It's not that I don't enjoy the night by myself, because I really do. Last year I had an absolute ball. I just despise the pressure to be with someone. Like you've accomplished nothing all year if you happen to be alone. Maybe what I hate most of all is that I let myself get caught up in it. I'm still looking for someone to pull under the mistletoe.

Luckily I'm now old enough to have rum in my eggnog, which is one of the season's few redeeming qualities. Well that, peppermint white mochas, tobogganing, and Love Actually. Hopefully now that I've ditched the bad vibes I can focus on the good ones. xx

twenty one reasons Ryan Gosling is the sexiest man alive.

1. He makes funny faces at the paparazzi.

link

                                                    2. He has a Shel Silverstein tattoo.

3. He does ballet.


“I just feel like I wouldn’t know how to think any other way. My sister was my best friend and my hero growing up. Because I was home-schooled I didn’t have a lot of friends and I did ballet, which was always just girls. All of that had an effect on my brain.” - Ryan Gosling

4. He made the kitchen table in the Notebook himself.

Oh yeah.

5. He plays guitar.

6. He gives good presents.

7. He corrupted Britney Spears.

On possibly corrupting Britney Spears' sexuality as a kid: "They would come and ask me questions about sex, and I just told them what I heard - like positions and stuff. All the other mothers went to Disney and told them I was corrupting their kids. I feel somewhat responsible for how sexual [Britney Spears] is right now. When I see her with a snake around her neck, I think, did I do that?" - Ryan Gosling

8. He's a good samaritan.

9. He's a philanthropist. And has sweet dance moves.

Skip to 2:10 for the good part. Also, here's the website.

10. He loves his momma.

11. The Notebook.

12. Those baby blues.

13a. He knows how to dress well.

13b. Really well.

14. He loves his pup.

15a. He looks good with glasses.

15b. He looks good without glasses.

16. He tattooed himself.

17. He looks good with a beard.

18. He was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

19. He has an awesome band.

20. He looks photoshopped.

21. He's Canadian

Also, he appears to share my pyromaniac tendencies.

Seriously. Ryan Gosling is the reason I'm single. xx

this may or may not be true.

it's getting hot in here.

So take off all your clothes. No seriously. Take them off.

http://videos.nymag.com/video/Art-Shoots-Ryan-Gosling;Viral-2#c=QV04Y02NJFBL6JDM&t=Art%20Shoots:%20Ryan%20Gosling

diversion tactics.

I'm hoping if I keep posting pictures of attractive men, no one will notice that I haven't posted in forever...

what's in my bag.

inspired by: http://fuckyeahwhatsinyourbag.tumblr.com/

utterly insane.