tall extra hot americano.

Chances are, I've already forced you to listen to my twenty minute rant about coffee orders, what makes them sexy, what makes them repulsive, etc. BUT, if you have yet to hear this rant then you are in luck! I've been a barista for the past 4 years, and in this time I've formed some very strong opinions about what makes a drink order sexy. In fact, a good coffee order can take you from a 7 to a 9 faster than you can say doppio affogato espresso macchiato (...kidding). I know what you're thinking. And you're right, I really don't have anything better to do right now.

 So, starting with the least sexy, working our way up we have...

10. Any crème based Frappucino. Never order these. Please. It's pretty much just milk blended with sugar. Gross. It also makes me suspect you're actually thirteen.

9. Anything that takes you more than five seconds to say. I am dead serious about this. A single, grande, decaf, half sweet, non fat, extra hot, no foam, caramel macchiato makes me want to reach across the bar and punch the person in the face. Don't do it.*

8. Anything that starts with skinny. No skinny vanilla lattes, no skinny mochas, also no light caramel Frappucinos. Come on. Order a real drink. Go hard or go home. It's an immediate turn off.

7. Coffee Frappucinos. Not necessarily unsexy, but definitely not a panty-dropper. I feel like saying Frappucino out loud immediately decreases your cool factor. (I understand this make me perpetually uncool. I'm prepared to accept that.)

6. Latte. Meh. The more shit you add to it, the less sexy it gets. Keep it simple.

5. Espresso. Hardcore. Not for me, but I can see the appeal.

4. Starbucks Double Shot. Not on the menu, but I feel it's the star of the cold beverages. Strong and dark. Not too fussy.

3. Cappucino. Wet or dry. It's sophisticated, and classic. The George Clooney of coffee.

2. Coffee. Hot or iced. Simple, wholesome, comforting. Ordering coffee gets you two thumbs up in my books.

1. Americano. Sexiest drink order EVER. Simplistic perfection. It shows that you know enough about coffee to go with an espresso based beverage, but at the same time you're low maintenance. Ten out of ten.

So there you have it. The ultimate guide to impressing a barista. And by barista, I obviously mean me. Impressing me. xx

*I realize this is a wee bit hypocritical, but to be fair, I make my own coffee.

fake empire.

fake empire. by nmason521 featuring black bangles

all you ever wanted.

Confession. I have an addiction. A serious one. Rom-coms. There, I said it. There's no shame...maybe a little. It's not my fault-- blame my mother. She's the one who let me watch Steel Magnolias at the age of nine. I was raised on Julia Roberts movies. I worshipped her. Don't even get me started on Disney Princesses, that's a whole other post. Now you might be thinking: "What's the problem? I like rom-coms too". Well my friend, I have been thinking about it for awhile now, and there has been some serious revelations. Recently, the surge in the availability of porn has been linked to unreal expectations about sexual relationships. Porn is becoming more extreme in its portrayal of sex, and how people are supposed to have it. It seems to me that romantic comedies are like porn for (some) women.  Romantic comedies are extreme in their portrayal of love, and how its supposed to happen. We grow up believing in order to find true love there will be hoops, hurdles, car chases, and at least one makeover. From personal experience, if a man doesn't chase my taxi down to get my phone number, or send a dozen red roses to my workplace, I start to think he isn't interested. In fact I've been insulted when a guy gave me his number, instead of asking for mine. At some point, it would appear, I was brainwashed into thinking that all men share the chivalrous instincts of my favourite silver screen heros. You might be wondering how that's working out. It's not. I'll never find anyone if I expect some monumental declaration of love in the airport every time I return from a trip abroad. We don't think it's fair for men to compare us to the women in porn, so why do we compare them to the men in these movies? It might be a little late for a New Years Resolution, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to be realistic in my dealings with the other sex this year. I think the results will probably be better than holding out for Richard Gere in a white limo, blasting opera while holding roses out the sunroof. At the very least I won't be a prostitute. xx.

happy valentine's day.

what if.

What if you already know the person you’re going to marry.  Maybe it’s a casual acquaintance. Someone you just met. Someone you’ve known forever. Maybe it’s a high school classmate. Or the boy whose notes you used to borrow in your first year? The girl next door? Your best guy friend?

I guess it’s easier to imagine if you’re currently in a relationship, but I’ve never been there so it seems as though there’s a world of possibilities. I always imagine myself going to Europe, meeting some charming gentleman and falling in love. On the other hand, I can also see myself marrying my dentist. If I’ve already met my future spouse then what the hell are they doing? What the hell am I doing?

Of course there's always the chance that you'll never marry. That I'll never marry. I don't think I believe in soul mates, fate maybe, but not soul mates. I certainly hope there's more than one chance for that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff. xx

thought of the day.

I want to kiss boys all the time. It's just the loveliest way to pass the time. xx

he's totally into it.

waiting in vain.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 
                                                   ― Bob Marley

i want to see you brave and manly.

Check out the rest of these pictures here, I promise it's well worth your time.

an open letter to the mystery hottie at work.

warning: stunt hottie was used

Hi,

Let's get serious here. You're a babe. Your winsome smile made me melt. Swoon, even. I would just like to say THANK YOU, for making my day at least twenty times better. You may be one of the hottest guys I have ever seen, my clothes were nearly off by the time your coffee was ready. A grande Americano no room-- sexiest drink order ever, and let me tell you, coffee orders play a pivotal role in my judgement of your sexiness. You look like a movie star, who somehow stumbled into the wrong city. You're so hot that you must certainly be affected by hot guy syndrome, but in my dreams you're oblivious to your good looks, and you're just a humble gentleman looking for the love of his life. Or at least the lust of his life. I'll give you a hint. IT'S ME. The time we shared was brief (I'd like to see you in yours), but I'm hoping my radiant beauty will draw you back. I'd like to thank Howard for forcing us to ask every customer their name, it's creepy-- yet informative. But my internet creeping skills have failed me, alas you retain your mysterious allure. For now. xx

Here's a present!