Chances are, I've already forced you to listen to my twenty minute rant about coffee orders, what makes them sexy, what makes them repulsive, etc. BUT, if you have yet to hear this rant then you are in luck! I've been a barista for the past 4 years, and in this time I've formed some very strong opinions about what makes a drink order sexy. In fact, a good coffee order can take you from a 7 to a 9 faster than you can say doppio affogato espresso macchiato (...kidding). I know what you're thinking. And you're right, I really don't have anything better to do right now.
So, starting with the least sexy, working our way up we have...
10. Any crème based Frappucino. Never order these. Please. It's pretty much just milk blended with sugar. Gross. It also makes me suspect you're actually thirteen.
9. Anything that takes you more than five seconds to say. I am dead serious about this. A single, grande, decaf, half sweet, non fat, extra hot, no foam, caramel macchiato makes me want to reach across the bar and punch the person in the face. Don't do it.*
8. Anything that starts with skinny. No skinny vanilla lattes, no skinny mochas, also no light caramel Frappucinos. Come on. Order a real drink. Go hard or go home. It's an immediate turn off.
7. Coffee Frappucinos. Not necessarily unsexy, but definitely not a panty-dropper. I feel like saying Frappucino out loud immediately decreases your cool factor. (I understand this make me perpetually uncool. I'm prepared to accept that.)
6. Latte. Meh. The more shit you add to it, the less sexy it gets. Keep it simple.
5. Espresso. Hardcore. Not for me, but I can see the appeal.
4. Starbucks Double Shot. Not on the menu, but I feel it's the star of the cold beverages. Strong and dark. Not too fussy.
3. Cappucino. Wet or dry. It's sophisticated, and classic. The George Clooney of coffee.
2. Coffee. Hot or iced. Simple, wholesome, comforting. Ordering coffee gets you two thumbs up in my books.
1. Americano. Sexiest drink order EVER. Simplistic perfection. It shows that you know enough about coffee to go with an espresso based beverage, but at the same time you're low maintenance. Ten out of ten.
So there you have it. The ultimate guide to impressing a barista. And by barista, I obviously mean me. Impressing me. xx
*I realize this is a wee bit hypocritical, but to be fair, I make my own coffee.
